Tag Archives: blogging fundamentals

Wrestling the black dog

I don’t really know why they call depression the black dog, I don’t feel like I’ve been taken over by a dog, black or otherwise and I’m certainly not wrestling with it, I have nor the time or inclination to do anything quite so energetic. It’s more like I’m being smothered with a heavy grey blanket that stops any joy and sunlight from getting in, deprives you of oxygen and in turn energy and directs every thought you have into something negative and wondering whether the world would be a better place without you in it. 

I know know there are many people that don’t understand what it’s like to feel like this. I have family and friends that have trouble understanding, but there are also many people out there that do and a lot of them feel alone and very isolated. Which quite honestly, is the worst place a depressed person can be. I only hope that if I write about it, others won’t feel so alone or stigmatised.

I’ve suffered from depression all of my adult life, however I seem to cope pretty well until I have a fairly serious “situational crisis” (as people in the biz like to call it), or I’m sleep deprived. Which isn’t great for someone like me who works permanent night shift. Currently I’m an extremely sleep deprived state. (Also dealing with a few situational crisis, but I won’t bore you with the details). I didn’t get to sleep Wednesday before work and yesterday I spent the majority of the day driving the kids to and from school and work experience, a total of 4 hours driving. I also took calls from the school and therapists, which left me a grand total of two hours in which to sleep. Then headed back to work. Well, last night at work didn’t go as smoothly as I’d have liked and I turned into the irrational teary monster again. I was told I shouldn’t come to work if I’m tired. Well, I’m fucked then. As I’m always bloody tired. Any working mother, single or otherwise gets tired! Knowing that I won’t get much sleep today due to the fact that my youngest has a pupil free day, I’ve had to cancel work. No work, means no pay, which means more stress, which means more tears and less sleep. A cycle which is hard to break. So it’s off to the doctors for me this morning, before I get myself into a right state and end up rocking in a corner somewhere.

So if you know someone that wrestles with the black dog, the grey blanket, or whatever else people like to call the depression and you haven’t heard from them in a while. Make sure they’re okay, give them a call and let them know they’re not alone.

My blind date….. a non starter

So, it’s been a month since I’ve taken a break from the online dating world. To tell you the truth, it’s been quite nice not having to deal with all the drama. But, I’m never going to find anyone just going to work, sleeping, looking after my boys and watching Netflix marathons whilst sitting on the couch in my pyjamas.  

So when a mate of mine asked if I’d go in a blind date with a guy he knew, I thought “What the hell?” “What have I got to lose?” So I cautiously said he could pass on my phone number, but to let him know that I don’t take kindly to phone calls in the middle of the day whilst I was sleeping, that text was best.

I thought that I’d wake up to a message on my phone…… no message.

I thought he might message that night…… no message.

Maybe he’d message the next day…… no message.
The next day, when I’d given up hope, I received a message via Facebook messenger. He apologised for not messaging sooner, but he’d accidentally deleted my number. I took him at his word, as I do that sort of thing all the time.

But then, seeing as he messaged me via Facebook, I visited his page. I mean, what did he expect? Let me paint a picture of his Profile photo. He was a middle age, fairly largish, Italian, heavily tattooed guy, with a moustache and a flavour saver goatee thingy. Now don’t get me wrong, I really don’t care what someone looks like, it’s their personality that either wins me over or gets me walking away. However it was the much younger Asian girl on his arm that had me questioning his motives. That and his relationship status saying he was in a relationship with this young thing may also have given it away.

So I messaged him back, saying that I wasn’t the type of girl, that would see a guy that was already in a relationship. He then did the whole denial thing. Denied being in a relationship, saying that he’d broken up with her and hadn’t gotten around to updating his Facebook page.

Did he think I was that gullible? Did he think that me, being of the female species, was going to just let that go and not investigate further? That I was going to take him at his word? I mean, come on! Us women are renowned for our investigative AKA stalking skills. Give us a name and we could find out what you’ve had for breakfast!

So back to the Facebook page I went, for a closer inspection. The profile photo that had been posted, had been uploaded the day before. So if he had broken up with her, it must have been that morning. Obviously he was really torn up about the recent split.

So of course, I went to the apparent ex girlfriends page. She had a photo of the two of them together posted on the that day, and he’d commented on he photo saying “my princess” 

And THAT wasn’t the pièce de résistance, the highlight of my search, was when I found a post that she had posted on Mother’s Day, just one week before, stating she couldn’t wait to start trying for a baby! Of course he replied….”very soon”

WTF???? What the actual fuck? Such a class act. He’d told my mate he was single and asked if my mate knew any single chicks, all the while he was telling his young girlfriend that they would start trying for a baby soon??? Is it just me? Am I the only one that finds this unacceptable, behaviour? Not only treating this poor, young and very much better looking than him, girl in such a terrible way, but he thought I’d fall for his lies. Thought I was gullible enough to take him at his word. Thought that I was that I was so unintelligent that I would add 1+1 and come up with 27!

Honestly, do I only attract douchebags? I suppose I can be thankful that he was stupid enough to message me via Facebook. And no actual date eventuated. Thank God for small mercies!